Breakthrough & beyond.

Only talk when you have something worth saying. Sage advice and in turn the same should apply to the written word. Call it writers block if you like. I’ve simply had very little I’ve wanted to share in the past few months and have been in somewhat of a contented limbo (thanks to Luce for that expression). It’s been nothing particularly sinister just a bit of radio silence to look within. Interesting choice of words considering it’s anything but silent when I’m on the radio.

So why break that silence now eh? Good question. I feel like life has changed, moved on, and I’ve moved on with it. It makes me smile just writing those words. Is my journey on the path to healing over? Not quite. Is my quest to make total sense of my mental health over? Do me a favour!!! Not a chance. Actually it’s this fact that’s made m scrawl again, and has given me the nudge to transfer my incessant over thinking to written words that might do my grey matter some justice.

For the first time in my life I’ve experienced what can only be described as a moment or period of total clarity. A bit of an awakening I suppose. Unshackled again as the clouds of deep sadness lift. A year on the induced despair I felt after the loss of love starts to fade and I can once again start to re-shape my life. I still feel the pain, everyday actually, but I’m no longer in a place where I can’t see past the hurt and disappointment. My heartbreak does not dictate who I am, what I do and how I react to events in my everyday life I’m functioning again and doing rather bloody well at it.

I started writing this while in Spain for a few days R&R and as I always do, when lounging in the sun abroad, I became a tasty snack for the local mosquito population of the Costa Del Sol. It struck me, as I pondered the red itchy mess that was now my legs, and how this very physical manifestation of something nasty was similar to my mental health. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LUKE?!?! Okay, just bear with me. Let me explain. I can take precautions to avoid being bitten. I can cover myself in insect repellent but if Mr Mosquito is hungry I can’t realistically stop the critter feasting on my rather tasty blood. Once bitten the area is itchy and annoying and unsightly but I’m not going to stop sitting outside and I can even have a sneaky scratch every now and again as long as I keep my bite cream close by. Your antiseptic cream or repellent might be different to mine of course. Whatever works for you.

I will always have depression and anxiety. There! Said it. I have spent for as long as I can remember trying to eradicate it. Cut it out from within. I’ve struggled to try and be the person who conquers his demons and I’ve put trust in people who I thought would accept my struggle and love me anyway. As heartbreaking as it is, some people are just not strong enough for that and I get it. The thing is, and it’s a hugely empowering realisation, I’ve been going about this in a way that could never work. It’s about learning to have the ability to live alongside myself rather than wanting to move out of who I am. Co-habit with the demons, acknowledge them, never ignore them and look them squarely in the eyes.

Accepting ones own mental health, or perhaps more pertinently ones own mental illness, is not where the journey ends. In many ways its the start of a very different journey. Accepting those demons I talked about is not rolling over and giving in. Far from it. Living with any mental health issue is not much fun let me tell you. Anyone who has woken up and struggled to get out of bed let alone leave the house. Answering the phone can lead to panic and the thought of interacting with other human beings is like a living nightmare. When you can’t eat, sleep, read, listen to music, watch the TV and do little else but stare at the ceiling in floods of tears contemplating why you bother with anything ever will know that depression and anxiety can sometimes grab you by the scruff of the neck without warning. I’m not a doctor, psychologist, therapist or expert in any way, I’m just a bloke in his 40’s dealing with shit in a way that works for me. I have found a way to have a level of control in my darkest moments but never blinkered to think that I could lose control at any time. The monster of depression does not come from mysterious land where dark forces live, it comes from within me and I want control over me. So do I control my monster? Nope, but I have found a way to limit its power.

So what if your reading this and you’re thinking ‘Well that’s all well and good Luke but sometimes my demon is too powerful and I lose control, what then? ‘

Good point.

For me it’s people. Let me be more specific. The people who I trust 100%. The people who love me. They don’t love who they think I should be or the me that’s fun and happy, they love ME. The love that is unconditional and doesn’t ask for anything. I have those people, not many of them but I know they are there. It’s huge, exhilarating to live each moment knowing people have your back.

So……

With all this in mind I’ve been thinking. What if you’ve taken the time to read this and you don’t have a person. Perhaps you fight but don’t have someone you can tag in when the battle gets too much. What then? Well let me tell you something and make this very very clear………

I may not know you. I may not live in the same country as you. I may have different demons and my journey very different but frankly I don’t give a damn. Whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you are going through in your life I want you to feel that you can reach out to me.

luke.ashmead@gmail.com

If you want to talk, unload and just know that another human being gives a shit then I’m your man. I will listen. I will be an extra pair of hands when your monster is too strong. Talk to me. Talk to someone. Find your person. You can, and will, live with this if you accept the darkness and learn to live alongside it. I write this as someone who has reached the point of rationalising their own death as a way out. Have you ever thought about that too? Talk, reach out and stop. Even when hope seems to have gone and dealing with the pain is exhausting, the noise is deafening and you truly feel stranded, you’re not alone.

ME AND YOU 1-0 DEMONS